cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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