What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
