Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
