She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
