So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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