Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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