Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
