Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
whose parrot is this?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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