A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
