Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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