apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
