you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
