Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
