What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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