kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
