going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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