alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
