a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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