so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You dont lie about slip and slides
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
