Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
