I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
