This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
