i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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