how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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