I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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