I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
