I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
