I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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