Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Someone came in the potted fern
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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