tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
