I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
