Acid is not a monday night drug
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
