i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
