this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
