I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
