i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
