i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize