my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
