So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
