Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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