They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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