She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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