i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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