she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
