i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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