Someone shit on the floor
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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