I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
