you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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