I forgot how hot balto sounded
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
