yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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