she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize