I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
