I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
