I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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