he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
