i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it was like his penis was on wheels.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
