I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
