we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
