I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
