i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
