Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
